‫- PREVIOUSLY ON AWKWARD... ‫- I WANT MATTY TO DATE.
‫- WHY DON'T YOU SET HIM UP ‫YOURSELF?
‫- MAYBE I WILL. ‫- MATTY AND I KISSED.
‫- YOU'RE A LIAR, AND I NEED ‫TO BREAK UP WITH YOU.
‫- WHAT?
‫- I PROMISE NOT TO INTERFERE ‫WITH YOU OR EVA.
‫- WE DON'T NEED ‫EACH OTHER'S BLESSINGS, JENNA.
‫WE'RE NOT TOGETHER.
‫- OUT OF THE CAR RIGHT NOW. ‫RIGHT NOW, COME ON.
‫- WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
‫- THE NIGHT SO FAR ‫HAD BEEN AN EPIC FAIL.
‫THREE GIRLS, THREE FIGHTS, ‫AND TWO BROKEN HEARTS.
‫I WAS SICK ‫OF FIGHTING WITH MATTY.
‫WHY COULDN'T WE MOVE ON?
‫WHY WAS I LETTING MATTY MCKIBBEN ‫RUIN ANOTHER NIGHT?
‫I HAD A NEW MAN IN MY LIFE,
‫AND HE AND A DRAMA-FREE NIGHT ‫WERE JUST 40 MINUTES AWAY.
‫TURN THE CAR AROUND. ‫NOT GOING DOWN LIKE THIS.
‫WE CAN STILL ‫MAKE IT TO SCU BY MIDNIGHT
‫AND SPEND OUR NIGHT ‫WITH REAL MEN, COLLEGE MEN.
‫WHO'S DOWN ‫FOR A LITTLE ROAD TRIP?
‫- HELL TO THE YES.
‫THEY SAY THE BEST WAY TO GET ‫OVER SOMEONE--
‫THAT SOMEONE BEING JAKE--
‫IS TO GET UNDER SOMEONE NEW.
‫AND THAT SOMEONE NEW IS ‫A YET-TO-BE-NAMED COLLEGE GUY--
‫OR GUYS--
‫WITH THEIR MANLY SCRUFF ‫AND FIVE-BUTTON CARDIGANS.
‫EVERY ONE OF THEM
‫IS LIKE A LIVING, BREATHING ‫J.CREW CATALOG, ONLY HOTTER.
‫LET'S FRICKIN' DO THIS. ‫- LET'S FRICKIN' DO THIS.
‫- LET'S FRICKIN' NOT!
‫I NEED YOU ‫TO TAKE ME HOME, PRONTO.
‫THE ONLY THING WORSE ‫THAN GETTING DUMPED
‫IS AN "EAT, PRAY, SUCK" ‫ROAD TRIP WITH YOU TWO MORONS.
‫GOOD LUCK WITH "CROSSROADS 2."
‫- WHAT DID SADIE KNOW?
‫- CROSSROADS ‫IS AN UNDERAPPRECIATED GEM.
‫AND LUKE AND HIS BED
‫WOULD BE THE PERFECT REMEDY ‫TO EVERYTHING.
‫SURPRISE!
‫[keys clacking, loud thud]
‫I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
‫WAS LUKE REALLY CHEATING ON ME?
‫I WANTED TO SPEAK, ‫BUT I COULDN'T FORM WORDS.
‫LUCKY FOR ME, ‫I HAD A BEST FRIEND
‫WHO WAS NEVER ‫AT A LOSS FOR THEM.
‫- W.T.F.? ‫A RUB AND TUG WITH A FUG?
‫THE ONLY ENDING YOU'RE GETTING ‫TONIGHT IS AN UNHAPPY ONE.
‫AND YOU?
‫I MAY LOOK ‫LIKE A DELICATE FLOWER,
‫BUT I AM A MILLION-DOLLAR BABY.
‫I WILL GRAB THAT MESSY MOP ‫AND PULL SO HARD,
‫YOU'LL HAVE TO GO ‫TO EVERY SUPERCUTS FROM HERE
‫TO OAKLAND TO RE-CREATE
‫THAT "OH, I JUST ROLLED ‫OUT OF BED LOOKING LIKE THIS,
‫LET ME GIVE YOU ‫A SENSUAL MASSAGE" LOOK.
‫SO PUT 'EM UP, ‫'CAUSE IT'S GO TIME, BITCH.
‫- JENNA, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET ‫MY BEST FRIEND, SHAYNE.
‫- HI. ‫I'M SHAYNE.
‫BY THE WAY, I'M GAY.
‫- GAY OR STRAIGHT?
‫- DON'T WORRY. MY BROTHER'S BEEN ‫THROUGH THIS A THOUSAND TIMES.
‫THEY HOLD US FOR A NIGHT,
‫THEN WE'RE BROUGHT ‫BEFORE A JUDGE IN THE MORNING.
‫WE WILL BE OUT AFTER THAT.
‫- OKAY, RIGHT.
‫- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
‫YOU CAN'T DO A NIGHT ‫IN THE CLINK, BRO?
‫- OH, NO, IT'S NOT THAT.
‫I HAD A TON OF BEER BACK THERE.
‫I GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM ‫REALLY BAD.
‫- THEY HAVE TOILETS INSIDE.
‫- YOU KNOW I'M PEE SHY DUDE.
‫- GAY OR STRAIGHT? ‫- STRAIGHT.
‫- HEY, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO SAY? ‫- WE'RE STRAIGHT.
‫- YEAH, BUT WHAT ‫IF THE GAY WING IS NICER?
‫[door closes]
‫- GAY OR STRAIGHT?
‫- STRAIGHT.
‫- WAIT. WHY WOULD YOU ‫ASK ME THAT AND NOT HIM?
‫- [chuckles]
‫[door slams]
‫[ominous music plays]
‫*
‫DON'T WE GET ONE PHONE CALL?
‫- YEAH, WE DO.
‫- HOW'S THIS THING WORK?
‫DO WE NEED WOODEN NICKELS ‫OR SOMETHING?
‫- IT'S LIKE THAT GUMBALL ‫MACHINE, BUT NO, UH, COINS.
‫COLLECT CALLS ONLY.
‫- OKAY, WHATEVER.
‫WHOSE NUMBER DO ‫WE KNOW BY HEART?
‫WHAT ABOUT JENNA?
‫YOU HAVE TO HAVE ‫HER NUMBER MEMORIZED.
‫- I'D RATHER DIE IN PRISON ‫THAN CALL JENNA RIGHT NOW.
‫- COME ON, MAN.
‫THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMEONE ELSE ‫WHOSE NUMBER WE HAVE MEMORIZED.
‫[phone beeps]
‫[phone vibrates]
‫- HELLO?
‫- HELLO, THIS IS A COLLECT CALL ‫FROM THE COUNTY PRISON.
‫- NOT TONIGHT, ALLY.
‫GET OUT OF ANOTHER DRUNK-DRIVING ‫SITCH YOURSELF.
‫[dial tone]
‫- YO.
‫- HOLY [bleep], YOU ESCAPED?
‫DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TROUBLE ‫YOU'RE IN NOW?
‫- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
‫I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU ‫BEFORE THE VIKES HIT THE ZINNY
‫THAT I GOT A GIRLS' BRUNCH ‫WITH VAL AND LACEY TOMORROW.
‫WEIRDO.
‫[phone beeps]
‫[phone rings]
‫- I'M SORRY TO JUST BARGE IN.
‫I WAS JUST MISSING YOU. ‫- NO SWEAT.
‫IT CAN BE A LITTLE HECTIC ‫AROUND HERE DURING MIDTERMS.
‫- "HECTIC" ‫DIDN'T CAPTURE THE REAL.
‫IT WAS ‫A FULL-ON SENSORY ASSAULT,
‫A REVOLTING BLEND ‫OF STANK, RANK, AND JANK.
‫- DESPERATE TIMES ‫EQUALS DESPERATE MEASURES,
‫WHICH EQUALS TAMARA ‫DIGGING FOR TREASURE
‫IN THIS FILTHY HEAP ‫OF BOY SCUZZ.
‫HEY, THERE. ‫I'M TAMARA.
‫- [belches]
‫- NOT SURE THAT WAS THE HEAT ‫TAMARA HAD IN MIND
‫WHEN SHE PLEDGED ‫TO HOOK UP WITH A COLLEGE GUY.
‫- O.M. JESUS, ‫I NEED TO SCRUB
‫A "TUNA FISH, ROOT BEER, ‫AND CORN CHIP" BURP
‫OFF MY FACE, STAT!
‫- BATHROOM'S DOWN THE HALL ‫TO THE--
‫IT'S COED!
‫HEY.
‫I'M SORRY. ‫I REALLY HAVE TO STUDY.
‫- LUKE WAS PROVING DIFFICULT ‫TO PIN DOWN.
‫MAYBE I JUST NEEDED TO GET A BIT ‫MORE CREATIVE IN MY APPROACH.
‫- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
‫- HOW ABOUT I QUIZ YOU,
‫AND FOR EVERY RIGHT ANSWER, ‫YOU GET A REWARD.
‫- OKAY.
‫- "THE END ‫OF THE NEUTRALITY ACT
‫CAME WITH THE PASSAGE ‫OF THIS LAW IN 1941."
‫- THE LEASE LEND ACT.
‫- YES.
‫- WAIT. ‫NO, I MISLABELED IT.
‫I THINK IT'S THE LEND LEASE ACT, ‫I'M PRETTY SURE.
‫CAN I SEE IT?
‫YEP.
‫[hip hop music]
‫[toilet flushes]
‫- I CAN'T DO THIS.
‫- GO. I'LL FORM A HUMAN SHIELD. ‫- NO, IT'S NOT THAT.
‫- THEN WHAT? ‫- MY...
‫"SITUATION"...
‫HAS GRADUATED ‫FROM A STAND-UP JOB
‫TO A SIT-DOWN ONE.
‫- EESH.
‫[prison cell door closes] ‫GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
‫[buzzer sounds]
‫UH, HEY, THAT'S MY BUNK.
‫HEY, MAN, ‫I WAS ASSIGNED THAT BUNK, SO...
‫WHA--OH! UM, ‫I'LL GO UP IN...HERE.
‫- WITH LUKE DISTRACTED,
‫I THOUGHT A NICE VIEW ‫AND SOME FRESH AIR
‫WOULD HELP US RECONNECT.
‫ISN'T IT NICE?
‫PLUS, IT DOESN'T SMELL ‫LIKE COFFEE AND RITALIN UP HERE.
‫- [chuckles] ‫TOTALLY.
‫- UGH. ‫SERIOUSLY?
‫- ALL RIGHT, LET'S--JENNA, NO!
‫- WHAT? ‫IT'S JUST A NASTY OLD FLIP-FLOP.
‫- THAT WAS THE DOORSTOP.
‫IT KEEPS THE DOOR FROM CLOSING.
‫I DON'T HAVE MY PHONE.
‫CAN YOU CALL TAMARA ‫AND GET HER TO COME GET US?
‫- I LEFT MY PHONE DOWNSTAIRS.
‫- GREAT. ‫NOW WE'RE LOCKED OUT HERE.
‫- MY EFFORT TO CONNECT WITH LUKE
‫HAD LEFT US LOCKED OUT ‫IN THE COLD.
‫I NEEDED TO GENERATE SOME HEAT ‫AND FAST.
‫- [sighs]
‫- WELL, WHILE ‫WE'RE STUCK OUT HERE,
‫WE MIGHT AS WELL ‫MAKE THE MOST OF IT.
‫HMM?
‫- [sighs]
‫- HEY. ‫HEY, WHAT'S WRONG?
‫- JENNA, ‫YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND
‫HOW IMPORTANT MY STUDYING IS.
‫YOU'RE STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL.
‫- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
‫- LOOK, THAT ‫DIDN'T COME OUT RIGHT.
‫- NO, LUKE, WHY DON'T YOU ‫TELL ME WHAT ELSE
‫I DON'T UNDERSTAND ‫BECAUSE I'M JUST IN HIGH SCHOOL.
‫- UGH.
‫UGH.
‫[sighs]
‫AH.
‫- WAIT YOUR TURN, SON.
‫I GOT A FEW POUNDS ‫TO DROP IN HERE.
‫- OH!
‫OH!
‫- WORD TO THE WISE--
‫YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK ‫ABOUT KEEPING AN EYE
‫ON YOUR BOY TONIGHT.
‫HE AIN'T MAKING NO FRIENDS.
‫- THANKS.
‫- WHAT YOU IN FOR, HOMES?
‫- WHO KNOWS? ‫YOU?
‫- PULLED A TRIGGER, ‫MADE SOME THINGS DISAPPEAR.
‫NORMALLY, ‫I'M ONE EASYGOING MOTHER.
‫BUT IF SOMEONE GETS ‫ON MY NERVES,
‫LOOK THE HELL OUT!
‫BELIEVE IT OR NOT...
‫MY TROUBLES BEGAN ‫WHEN I WAS YOUNGER THAN YOU.
‫[buzzer sounds]
‫- OH, HEY.
‫DOING YOUR NAILS-- ‫NICE.
‫YOU KNOW, ‫WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,
‫THERE IS NO MORE IMPORTANT PART ‫OF A LESBIAN THAN HER FINGERS.
‫- DO YOU JUST BLURT OUT EVERY ‫OFFENSIVE THING THAT YOU THINK?
‫- NO. IT'S ACTUALLY ‫VERY CAREFUL CURATED.
‫WHY AREN'T YOU STUDYING ‫FOR MIDTERMS
‫LIKE ALL THE OTHER COCKROACHES ‫IN THIS GODFORSAKEN HELLHOLE?
‫- BECAUSE I FINISHED THEM ‫LAST NIGHT, DUH.
‫BOYS--NOT ONLY ‫ARE THEY UNSANITARY,
‫BUT THEY DON'T KNOW THE FIRST ‫THING ABOUT MANAGING THEIR TIME.
‫- [gasps] ‫OH, MY GOD.
‫EXACTLY.
‫I AM ALL ABOUT MANAGING TIME ‫APPROPRIATELY,
‫ESPECIALLY FOR SENIOR YEAR.
‫MY COLOR-CODED SYSTEM TO GET ME ‫THROUGH THE NEXT FEW MONTHS
‫WOULD BLOW YOUR MIND.
‫- REALLY? 'CAUSE I'M THE GIRL ‫WHO GOES TO STAPLES TO UNWIND.
‫- OH, MY GOD. DON'T EVEN TALK ‫TO ME ABOUT HOW MUCH MONEY
‫I SPENT AT STAPLES LAST WEEK.
‫HOLD UP. ‫IS THAT CARAMEL SPELL?
‫- OBVI.
‫- SCOOCH OVER, GIRL.
‫- HEY.
‫I DIDN'T MEAN ‫THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
‫BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL ‫IN HIGH SCHOOL.
‫I JUST-- ‫[sighs]
‫I'M ON SCHOLARSHIP HERE.
‫AND IF I DON'T MAKE MY GRADES, ‫I'LL LOSE IT, AND THEN I'M OUT.
‫THERE'S NO WAY I CAN AFFORD ‫THIS PLACE OTHERWISE.
‫SO MIDTERMS ARE ‫AN EXTRA-STRESSFUL TIME OF YEAR
‫FOR ME.
‫- I'M SORRY. ‫I HAD NO IDEA.
‫- I WANTED TO TELL YOU.
‫I JUST KNOW YOU MAYBE ‫HAVE THIS PICTURE OF ME
‫AS THIS COOL, CONFIDENT ‫COLLEGE GUY, WHICH I AM.
‫I TOTALLY AM, LIKE, ALL DAY. ‫- RIGHT.
‫- BUT I'M ALSO A COMPLETE ‫DORKUS ABOUT SCHOOL.
‫I PUT MYSELF ‫ON LOCKDOWN THIS WEEKEND
‫SO I COULD ‫GET EVERYTHING DONE
‫AND MAKE TIME FOR THE IMPORTANT ‫THINGS IN MY LIFE...
‫LIKE YOU.
‫- IN THAT MOMENT, ‫LUKE WAS EVERYTHING--
‫HIS VULNERABILITY, ‫HIS HONESTY, HIS WORK ETHIC,
‫NO GAMES, ‫STRAIGHT LINES.
‫HE WAS A GREAT BOYFRIEND,
‫AND I WANTED TO BE ‫AN EQUALLY GREAT GIRLFRIEND.
‫OKAY.
‫IF YOU NEED TO KEEP ‫THIS SCHOLARSHIP,
‫THEN WE NEED ‫TO GET DOWN TO BRASS TACKS.
‫HAND ME THOSE FLASH CARDS.
‫I AM GOING ‫TO LEND-LEASE YOU A HAND.
‫- "LEND-LEASE"? ‫REALLY?
‫- I REGRETTED IT ‫AS SOON AS I SAID IT.
‫- MY PARENTS ABANDONED ME.
‫TROUBLE KEPT FINDING ME.
‫SOON, THE STREETS ‫BECAME MY TRUE MOMS AND POPS.
‫I WAS RAISED ‫ON THE BLOCK, SON.
‫I GOT MY PhD ‫IN STRAIGHT HUSTLING, HOMEY.
‫- YEAH, I CAN RELATE, MAN.
‫I JUST FOUND OUT I WAS ADOPTED.
‫- REALLY?
‫BY SOME RICH-BITCH ‫MOTHER[bleep] UP IN P.V.?
‫- YEAH, BUT--
‫- THEY FED YOU, ‫BOUGHT YOU CLOTHES?
‫- THEY DID, BUT--
‫- WHAT KIND OF CAR YOU DRIVE?
‫- ESCALADE.
‫DROVE IT OFF A CLIFF.
‫- [laughs] ‫AN ESCALADE?
‫DAMN, SON.
‫THEY AIN'T EVEN ‫HAVE THE COURTESY
‫TO BUY THEIR ADOPTED BOY ‫AN "S" CLASS.
‫HOMEY, YOU GOT ADOPTED ‫BY SOME STRAIGHT JERKS.
‫[laughing]
‫"DROVE IT OFF A CLIFF."
‫[chuckling]
‫- COME ON, LUKE.
‫WHAT WERE THE MAIN POINTS ‫OF THE POTSDAM TREATY?
‫- I THINK IT WAS...
‫- I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO STUDY.
‫- I THINK WE'VE STUDIED ENOUGH ‫FOR THE NIGHT.
‫I JUST WANT TO ENJOY YOU.
‫- I CAME HERE TONIGHT ‫TO HOOK UP,
‫BUT IT'S BEEN ‫A COMPLETE FAIL MARY.
‫WHAT'S THE DEAL?
‫I THOUGHT COLLEGE GUYS WERE ‫SUPPOSED TO BE SO MUCH COOLER,
‫BUT THEY'RE ‫JUST LIKE HIGH-SCHOOL GUYS,
‫PLUS 2 YEARS AND 20 POUNDS.
‫- I DID THE GUY THING ‫FOR A WHILE,
‫BUT IT WASN'T UNTIL I WAS WITH ‫A WOMAN THAT EVERYTHING CLICKED.
‫I MEAN, GUYS JUST TAKE ‫SO MUCH LONGER TO EVOLVE
‫INTO FUNCTIONAL ADULTS.
‫AND THE ROAD TO GET THERE ‫IS FILLED WITH DOUCHE STOPS.
‫- OH, TALK TO ME ‫ABOUT DOUCHE STOPS.
‫MY LAST BOYFRIEND WENT INTO ‫A "MUMFORD AND DUMBS" PHASE.
‫SO "TRAJNOXIOUS."
‫"TRAGIC" PLUS "OBNOXIOUS."
‫- THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE.
‫- NOT TO MENTION ‫HE COULD NEVER BUY ME A TICKET
‫TO RIDE ‫THE BIG OH-LLERCOASTER.
‫- YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.
‫NEVER SEND A MAN ‫TO DO A WOMAN'S JOB.
‫[both laugh]
‫- OKAY, I NEED TO STOP ‫OR GET A TOWEL
‫FOR THE SERIOUS VERBAL VOM ‫THAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.
‫NICE, HUH?
‫- OH, MY GOD. ‫I AM SO SORRY.
‫I TOTALLY MISREAD THE SITUATION.
‫- LET'S DO THIS.
‫- HEY.
‫FREEDOM.
‫- * RIGHT NOW ‫WE'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN *
‫* OPEN UP YOUR EYES AND SEE
‫*
‫- UGH. SHAYNE, YOU'VE GOT ‫TO STOP HOOKING UP
‫WITH GIRLS IN MY BED.
‫- GOOD MORNING.
‫- OH, MY GOD.
‫- WALKER, YOU HAVE A VISITOR.
‫- THAT'S YOU.
‫LET ME GO.
‫- ARE YOU INSANE?
‫- THIS MIGHT BE MY ONE SHOT
‫AT GETTING ‫TO AN ACTUAL BATHROOM, MAN.
‫- FINE.
‫BUT WHOEVER IT IS, ‫YOU GET US OUT OF HERE.
‫- I'M WALKER.
‫IS THERE ‫A REAL BATHROOM ANYWHERE?
‫EVEN A PLASTIC BAG ‫WOULD DO AT THIS POINT.
‫SADIE, HOW DID YOU FIND US?
‫- I WAS THERE WHEN MATTY GOT ‫HIS FAKE LAST NIGHT, DICKWEED.
‫AND SINCE YOU LEFT WITH EVA,
‫I FIGURED YOU WERE DEAD ‫OR IN PRISON.
‫OH, AND THE RECORDED CALL ‫FROM COUNTY HELPED.
‫NOW, WHAT THE [bleep] ‫HAPPENED TO YOU?
‫- MATTY AND I GOT BUSTED ‫FOR DRINKING.
‫WE SHOWED THE COPS OUR FAKES, ‫AND THEY BOUGHT THEM,
‫BUT THEN MATTY ‫STARTED MOUTHING OFF,
‫SO HE GOT US ARRESTED ‫FOR OPEN CONTAINERS.
‫- WHERE WAS EVA?
‫- I DON'T KNOW. ‫SHE WAS THERE, BUT SHE BAILED.
‫- THAT BITCH DITCHED?
‫I'M GOING TO [bleep] KILL HER.
‫OH, RELAX.
‫- SADIE, IF I DON'T GET ‫OUT OF HERE SOON,
‫I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING ‫REALLY BAD.
‫- YOU'RE GONNA HURT SOMEONE?
‫- NO.
‫I'M GONNA [bleep] MYSELF.
‫- LISTEN, DUMB-ASS, ‫GIVE UP YOUR FAKES,
‫TELL THE COPS YOU'RE MINORS,
‫AND LEGALLY, ‫THEY CAN'T HOLD YOU.
‫IF THEY EVEN HESITATE, ‫TELL THEM THAT YOUR FRIEND
‫IS GOING TO TWEET ‫AT THE L.A. TIMES
‫THAT THEIR INCOMPETENCE ‫IS ENDANGERING THE LIVES
‫OF TWO CUTE, INNOCENT ‫HIGH-SCHOOL BOYS,
‫AND IT'LL GO VIRAL ‫FASTER THAN HPV AT COACHELLA.
‫AND THEY'LL BE MALL COPS ‫AT THE BEVERLY CENTER
‫FOR THE REST ‫OF THEIR MEANINGLESS LIVES.
‫- WHOA.
‫OKAY.
‫- WITH PROCESSING ‫AND EVERYTHING,
‫YOU SHOULD BE OUT IN AN HOUR. ‫- THANK YOU.
‫OH, HEY, WAIT. ‫HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS STUFF?
‫- ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK. ‫- HMM.
‫- AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, ‫WE WERE BREAST FRIENDS...
‫HANDS EVERYWHERE.
‫I THINK WE HAD SEX--
‫NOT 100% SURE, BUT I DID ‫FEEL, LIKE, 1,000 VOLTS
‫SHOOT THROUGH MY THIGHS ‫AT ONE POINT,
‫AND MY EYES ROLLED BACK ‫INTO MY HEAD,
‫AND THE ORGASMS JUST KEPT ‫COMING, FAST AND BI-FURIOUS.
‫I SWEAR I SAW JESUS ‫SURFING A RAINBOW-COLORED STAR.
‫- SO DOES THIS MEAN YOU'RE-- ‫- "HETEROFLEXIBLE"?
‫MAYBE, THOUGH I THINK ‫IT'S MORE LIKE THAT TIME
‫I WORE A BLAZER AROUND ‫FOR A WEEK.
‫LOOKS GOOD ON ELLEN, ‫BUT NOT FOR ME.
‫- AND WHEN MOM ‫WAS OVER IN SEATTLE,
‫SHE MOVED DOWN HERE ‫WITH SONIC YOUTH,
‫SO THERE'S, LIKE, A 65% CHANCE ‫I'M EDDIE VEDDER'S KID.
‫AND THEN THERE WAS ‫THAT BRIEF PERIOD
‫THAT KURT AND COURTNEY ‫BROKE UP, SO...
‫- NO. ‫- YEAH.
‫- GET OUT OF MY FACE.
‫- KURT FULLER AND COURTNEY COX ‫MIGHT BE YOUR PARENTS?
‫SO COOL.
‫- I WAS ALMOST THE KID ‫ON THE COVER OF NEVERMIND,
‫BUT MY MOTHER'S ‫A VERY PRIVATE PERSON.
‫- [clears throat]
‫- HI, KIDS. ‫HOW WAS YOUR NIGHT?
‫- NOTHING TOO CRAZY--
‫CONCERT AND THEN ‫RIGHT BACK TO TAMARA'S.
‫- OKAY, DON'T WORRY. ‫I AM OFF THE CLOCK.
‫THERE IS NO NEED ‫TO CENSOR YOURSELF.
‫I'M NOT COUNSELOR MARKS ‫IN YOUR HOME.
‫I AM JUST VAL THE PAL.
‫- EVA, WHAT'S UP?
‫- OH, MY GOD. ‫I'M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU.
‫I REALLY NEED TO TALK.
‫LACEY SAID I SHOULD JUST ‫HANG OUT UNTIL YOU GOT HOME.
‫- LACEY. ‫- HMM.
‫- WHY DON'T WE GO TALK ‫IN MY ROOM?
‫- SIT, SPILL.
‫HOW WAS THE CONCERT? ‫ANY HIGHLIGHTS?
‫- JUST THE ONES SLIPPING ‫THROUGH MY FINGERS THIS MORNING.
‫- DO TELL.
‫- LESBI HONEST. ‫I KISSED A GIRL.
‫- WHOA!
‫- BOOM!
‫- BI-CURIOUS GEORGE.
‫- INTERESTING.
‫WELL, THAT'S A THING THAT-- ‫THAT SOME PEOPLE DO.
‫- OH, PLEASE.
‫ONCE YOU'VE KNOCKED A FEW BACK, ‫A MOUTH IS JUST A MOUTH.
‫- WELL, I COULD NEVER DO THAT ‫WITH A GIRL.
‫- OH, REALLY?
‫NEWPORT BEACH, JUNIOR YEAR?
‫THAT WASN'T KEVIN, HON.
‫- OH, MY GOD! ‫[gasps]
‫- THEY'RE IN JAIL?
‫- I KNOW, AND I TOTALLY ‫WOULD HAVE STUCK AROUND,
‫BUT AFTER MY SHOPLIFTING THING ‫LAST YEAR,
‫MY DAD WOULD HAVE FROZEN ‫MY TRUST.
‫- OKAY, THIS IS INSANE.
‫- I WAS HOPING YOU COULD GO DOWN ‫TO THE STATION WITH ME
‫AND HELP GET THEM OUT.
‫- MATTY'S ‫SELF-DESTRUCTIVE STREAK
‫HAD HIT AN ALL-TIME HIGH.
‫BUT IT WASN'T MY RESPONSIBILITY ‫TO BE HIS SAVIOR ANYMORE.
‫I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ‫HIS BROTHER'S NUMBER.
‫CALL HIM. HE'LL KNOW EXACTLY ‫HOW TO HANDLE THIS SITUATION.
‫[buzzer sounds]
‫- HEY, ALL WE HAVE TO DO
‫IS TELL THEM WE'RE MINORS, ‫AND THEY'LL LET US GO.
‫- BUT IF WE SAY THAT, ‫THEY'LL KNOW WE HAD FAKE I.D.s.
‫- UGH. ‫WE WILL DEAL WITH THAT LATER.
‫ALL I KNOW IS THAT THIS PLACE ‫WILL BE PAINTED BROWN
‫IF WE DON'T GET ‫OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW.
‫SO LET'S GO. ‫- OKAY, OKAY.
‫UH...
‫YO, JORDAN, ‫UH, WE'RE GETTING OUT, MAN.
‫- BEAT THE RAP. ‫ENJOY IT, SON.
‫- THANK YOU SO MUCH,
‫AND I LEARNED A LOT ‫HEARING ABOUT YOUR STRUGGLES.
‫YOU KNOW, ‫IF I CAN EVER DO SOMETHING
‫TO HELP YOU GET OUT OF HERE.
‫MAYBE PUT YOU IN TOUCH ‫WITH SOME GOOD ATTORNEYS...
‫- ATTORNEYS? ‫DUDE, I AM AN ATTORNEY.
‫- YOU ARE? ‫- STANFORD, CLASS OF '02.
‫- AND YOU KILLED A MAN?
‫- WHAT THE [bleep] ‫ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
‫- UH, YOU-- ‫YOU PULLED A TRIGGER.
‫YOU MADE SOME THINGS ‫DISAPPEAR.
‫- YEAH, I WORK ‫IN AN INVESTMENT BANK.
‫I SHORTED SOME SECURITIES ‫THAT I COULDN'T COVER,
‫AND THEN I MADE ‫THE TRANSACTION DISAPPEAR.
‫- OH.
‫- NOW I'M GONNA [bleep] ‫YOU UP!
‫- WE'RE MINORS! ‫WE'RE MINORS!
‫- AND I REALLY HAVE TO GO ‫TO THE BATHROOM!
‫- CHOICES--
‫SOMETIMES YOU NEED ‫TO MAKE THE HARD CHOICE
‫TO CUT SOMEONE OUT OF YOUR LIFE, ‫OR ELSE YOU WON'T BE OPEN
‫TO THE POSSIBILITY OF SOMEONE ‫NEW AND AMAZING COMING INTO IT.
‫- FEEL BETTER? ‫- OH, MUCH BETTER.
‫I CAN'T WAIT TO GET HOME, ‫THOUGH.
‫I'M EXHAUSTED. ‫- ME TOO.
‫- ARE YOU GOING BACK HOME?
‫- YEAH, I GUESS. ‫THERE'S WORSE PLACES, YOU KNOW.
‫- MM.
‫- I'M SO GLAD YOU GUYS ‫ARE OKAY.
‫- EVA, WHAT THE [bleep]? ‫YOU TOTALLY BAILED ON US.
‫- HEY, HEY, HEY, ‫LET ME HANDLE THIS.
‫SO WHAT HAPPENED BACK THERE?
‫- MATTY, I'M SO SORRY, ‫BUT I'VE BEEN IN TROUBLE BEFORE,
‫AND IF I MESS UP AGAIN,
‫MY DAD'S SENDING ME BACK ‫TO NEW YORK, AND MY MOTHER--
‫SO I WENT TO FIND HELP. ‫I WENT TO JENNA FIRST AND...
‫- AND?
‫- WELL, TO BE HONEST, MATTY, ‫SHE WAS KIND OF RUDE.
‫SHE SAID SHE COULDN'T HELP
‫AND THAT THE PERSON ‫THAT WOULD KNOW ABOUT JAIL
‫WAS YOUR DRUG ADDICT BROTHER.
‫I'M SORRY. ‫I CAME BACK HERE AFTER
‫AND JUST TRYING TO THINK ‫OF SOMETHING ELSE,
‫AND I'VE JUST BEEN WAITING ‫FOR YOU.
‫- THANK YOU.
‫- IT'S BEEN, LIKE, ‫THE WORST FIRST DATE EVER,
‫RIGHT?
‫I DIDN'T EVEN GET ‫A GOOD-NIGHT KISS.
‫- YEAH.
‫WHAT ABOUT A GOOD-MORNING ONE?
‫- WHAT ABOUT A CONJUGAL VISIT?
‫- AFTER THAT NIGHT,
‫I KNEW IF MY HEAD ‫WAS FULL OF MATTY MCKIBBEN,
‫IT WOULD GET IN THE WAY ‫OF OPENING MY HEART TO LUKE,
‫AND I WASN'T GOING TO LET ‫MY MATTY STORY, WHICH WAS OVER,
‫MESS UP MY LUKE STORY, ‫WHICH WAS JUST BEGINNING.
‫- NEXT ON AWKWARD...
‫- THIS WAS IT.
‫ONCE I HIT SEND, ‫THERE WAS NO TURNING BACK.
‫- SURPRISE.
‫- NEXT FALL I'D BE STARTING ‫A WHOLE NEW LIFE.
‫- IS THERE A REASON WHY ‫YOU HAVEN'T SENT ME MY ESSAY?
‫- MATTY, IF YOU WANT ‫YOUR ESSAY SO BAD,
‫WHY DON'T YOU GO ‫AND GET IT YOURSELF?
‫- WHEW! GOT IT.
‫- YOU PROMISED ME DESSERT.
‫- SKANKY JANK!
‫- NOT MINE.
‫EVA'S?